Art Therapy
by alloysius
Summary: It's not easy trying to deal with a friend's suicide when the adult world only sees you as a child or a nuicance. It's even harder when innoncent consolation turns into something Very Different. SasuNaru AU with weird song lyrics translated badly by me
1. Chapter 1

Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, and the song lyrics to Nylon Beat and Maija Vilkkumaa, I just translated them.

***

_If there was a colour darker than black  
If you leave me, that's where I'm at  
A hint of gray would just make me miss you again  
_  
They only talk about it because of the rumours. Gossip in school corridors is powerful; bigger, stronger and faster than faculty propaganda. The attempt is futile, of course, but for their own conscience they try. Their absolution.

"Last Saturday a student of this school passed away. A tragic accident, a young life lost all too soon. This loss touches all of us, in ways that are often hard to understand. We will organise counselling for anyone who wants to talk. Do not hesitate to seek help. On behalf of the entire faculty, I give my deepest condolences to everyone who knew and loved this child. Now, we will hold a three minute silence in the memory of our dear friend Kiba Inuzuka."

It's always a tragic accident. What principal Sarutobi is not saying is that Kiba hung himself in the garage after swallowing a load of anti-depressants. That when his sister found him, their three dogs were licking his blood off the floor. He'd slashed his wrists, too, more thorough and careful with his suicide than he'd ever been with school stuff. Quite like getting run over by a bus, yeah. And then they're offering counselling, which is basically forbidding the students to talk to each other. Talk to us, we'll help you the right way. Whatever you do, don't believe your stupid friends.

They stand silent behind their desks, which are, as per usual, arranged in a "communicative circle", staring at their hands, or out of the windows or at the walls where their artistic development of little over two years is on display, courtesy of Iruka Umino. Some might glance at each other, quick, stealthy. Asking for permission to be sad together. No one looks at the empty desk in the far left corner of the rather square circle. Sasuke stares at the ugly-ass Sonata Arctica logo on Neji's t-shirt, Neji stares at Choji's hands on the back of his chair, Choji stares at the pink tube of lip gloss on Ino's desk, Ino's eyes flick from Sakura to Sasuke to Sakura, over and over again and Sasuke half -expects her to pass out from vertigo. One hell of a communicative circle.

Sasuke wonders why he cares. He didn't particularly like Kiba, barely tolerated the guy. He was irrational, annoying, loud, and smelled like dogs and dirt and weed. He was a clown, entertaining enough if you were in the right mood, but mostly just annoying. Umino sure as hell didn't like him, and yet there he is, slouched behind his desk, eyes downcast. The hypocrisy is fascinating.

It wasn't really a surprise, either. Tragic, yeah; unbelievable, hardly. And honestly, who could blame the guy. Alchoholic dad, hysteric of a mother, an over-achieving sister. Add assorted drugs, a few questionable acquaintances, and a debt with a threat to hurt his family. There's only so much a 16-year-old can handle. The more he tried to get out, the tighter the net held him in. His friends knew, his girlfriend knew, but no one could quite understand the truth. And Kiba was never one to complain. Well, sure, he complained about anything and everything else, but never about his personal life. Sasuke suspects a shrink might've helped, might've given Kiba an extra year or two, but nothing in the world could've persuaded the guy to go see one. God knows they'd tried. But he'd kept them away, choosing what to him must've seemed as the heroic thing to do. Leave without getting anyone else involved. For such a brash, unpredictable guy Kiba had a lot pride. Too much.  
A lot like Naruto.  
Sasuke glances at the guy, standing on his left. Naruto's fidgeting, pulling at the frayed sleeve of his bright green hoodie, then chewing on it, then fishing the lint out of his mouth before starting over. He's rocking back and forth on his heels like he's about to explode, or just really needs to pee. Sasuke knows he's just desperate to say something. He taps his desk gently and Naruto's blue eyes meet his. An apologetic smile from behind the wet sleeve. "Talk later," Sasuke mouths at him. Naruto nods, frantically, and doesn't calm down at all. Fucking moron.

The lesson in the end is a fiasco, but that's more Umino's fault than Kiba's. The teacher decides to give them a chance to express their feelings through art and encourages them to "let it all out!" Few comply, mostly girls, and then Umino seals the deal by adding " even you deepest, darkest fears! Let them all out!" The man really is an idiot.  
After that it doesn't take long. With the help of a paper-knife, Gaara creates a marvellously expressive piece of emotional art using his own blood, a splotch bearing vague reference to a gallows, and gets sent to see the newly appointed counsellor. Neji helpfully points out how suppression and patronizing guidance undermine any form of therapy based on creativity and free-flow, at which point Ino starts giggling hysterically, and Umino finally loses it completely. "Your friend! He was your friend! Where's your respect!"

All the while Naruto's trying to talk to him, tugging at his sleeve and poking him. "Sasuke, listen.. I have an idea.." But Sasuke ignores him. The hilarity of the situation in the classroom demands his undivided attention. Umino finally gets into a full-blown argument with Neji and Ino who bitch at him like people possessed, one with cold, aloof argumentation and the other with the fierceness of a mad terrier. Sasuke guesses they are, in a way, possessed, by the need to kill all this horrible fakery. In the end Umino tells them to get out, go stand outside in the rain and think about their actions. He's panting, his cheeks are red and his clutching Gaara's confiscated blood painting so hard it's all crumpled under his fingers.  
"You're throwing us out?" Ino sounds thoroughly shocked. It is shocking, Umino has never thrown anyone out, Gaara's been sent to the Clinic to calm down a few times but never has anyone been told to just plain leave.  
"Yes," Umino anwers, more quietly but still clearly agitated. "Leave. I can't stand the sight of you right now. Leave, and think."  
In the end half of the class obeys him. Sasuke drags Naruto with him, and off they go. Ino, Neji, Choji, Shikamaru and even Sakura, usually the Good Girl.

Behind the gym hall, in the safety of a small, muddy forest, they stand in a circle like some poor little pagans from centuries ago. Shikamaru lights a new cigarette as soon as the previous one is gone, Sasuke let's his cigarette die slowly in his fingers, and Sakura pulls her scarf over her face like a bank robber to get away from the smoke. And they think. Even Naruto is quiet, if not perfectly still. Kohl-black tears are running down Ino's cheeks, she wipes them off mechanically smearing half of her face gray. The bell rings for break time, then again when the break is over, but nobody moves. A silent agreement that somehow feels ceremonious, even tough skipping class is nothing new for any of them. But this time even Sakura doesn't protest, she hides deeper inside her thick scarf and says nothing.

Sasuke's brain is running in circles. He's vaguely annoyed with Kiba for messing them all up like this, and, still, with himself for caring too much. There's a hole in he circle, big enough to fit two people. Sasuke squints his eyes and imagines them there. Kiba, next to Naruto, yelling and laughing and demanding attention, and Hinata glued to his side, smiling like she never used to before him. Sasuke suddenly realises how hard it must be for Naruto. He not only lost his best friend and partner in crime, but was left with the lonely job of the entertainer. Everyone worries about Hinata, every single phone call Sasuke got on Sunday when the news broke was about her. Naruto has always claimed loud and proud to be a survivor, that claim is now backfiring, hard.  
Naruro is eating his sleeve again, his other hand flicking the cigarette although there's no ash left to fall. Finally the smouldering tip falls off altogether, and Naruto has to light it again. Sasuke can't hear him but he's quite sure there are a few curse words involved.

Their strange bubble is broken when Gaara wanders over, hands deep in his pockets and kicking everything on his way. Catching his eye, Sasuke lifts his eyebrows in a silent question. Gaara shakes his head. You do not want to know. Despite his gloominess, the others start to loosen up. Ino sniffs louder and Sakura hands her a tissue. Choji feels brave enough to unwrap a chocolate bar.

"Kick the chair right down under me, leave me hanging alone in misery," Neji hums, solemnly, his eyes firmly on Naruto's dirty sneaker. That does it. Naruto snorts and hides his face in his hands. His cigarette, sticking out between his palms, is twitching. Ino cracks next, displaying an undignified combination of crying and giggling. Then they're all laughing, even Neji. Shikamaru tries to stop and lights another cigarette to calm down, but the rebellious laughter beaks out and makes him choke like a beginner.  
"Poor thing, can't even inhale," Gaara chuckles, and Ino suddenly kneels on the wet ground, coughing out something about her stomach hurting. There's a warm weight on Sasuke's right shoulder, Naruto snuggles his face into Sasuke's neck, giggling uncontrollably into his ear. "I can't breath," he wheezes. Sasuke is laughing too hard to answer, and to his horror he can feel tears burning his eyes. Breathe. For fuck sakes just breathe.

"Guys," Naruto starts after they're calm again, wiping their eyes and catching their breath. He moves away from Sasuke, bright-eyed and over-excited again. "I think we should do something. For Kiba. A proper goodbye." "What, like send flowers?"  
"Crash the funeral?"  
"Find the dealer and kill him?"  
"No. Gaara, we won't kill anybody." Naruto clears his throat. "A memorial." He motions with his hands, large swirly waves. "The biggest mother fucking graffiti this town has ever seen. Or hell, ten of them!"  
What the…. Sasuke wants to say no before the idea gets any more insane, and can tell Neji and Shikamaru share his feelings. But Naruto doesn't give them a chance.  
"Seriously. I've been thinking about this since I heard about Kiba. We need to do something. If we don't, everyone will just forget about him, he'll be just another teen suicide in the statistics and an example serving as a warning. But if we do this…" He's smiling now, looking each of them straight in the eye. Don't look at me, Sasuke prays. If you look at me I'm going to say yes and I really don't want to.  
"He'll live on. Forever. If they paint them over, we'll do it again. And again. We will not let them forget."  
He turns over to Sasuke. "Right?"  
Ah, shit. Come on, Sasuke, you hate Kiba. You can't take the risk. Dad will kill you. No going to the States in the summer. No new scooter. You can't-  
"Yeah," he says to Naruto's eyes. "Forever."  
The smile he gets in return makes it all irrelevant. Summer eyes and dimples and wonky teeth and who the hell wants a scooter anyway. Naruto spins around with his fists in the air and starts pestering Gaara to help him with the designs. Sasuke tries to catch his breath. Next to a now happily squeaking Ino, Sakura mouths a sceptical "What?!?" at him. Sasuke shrughs. Damned if he knows.

In the evening Sasuke avoids his parents the best he can. He can tell mom wants to ask about Kiba, wants to make sure Sasuke's not going to do anything stupid, and maybe even get a promise of finding new, more suitable and sane friends. Dad, ironically, tries to do his bit and promises to ask his colleague about a scooter. Great. It's 17.45 and Sasuke's run out of excuses and hiding places, so he leaves way too early for his Karate training.

He takes the long route back to school, walks around the gym hall a few times. It all looks so different when it's dark and quiet. The streetlights throw weird flashes of light on the huge, empty walls of the hall, making it look ten times bigger. Sasuke stops at a corner close to their usual smoking spot and lights a cigarette. The stone wall above him is glowing yellow and orange. A graffiti memorial, huh. He smiles to himself. No one but Naruto could possibly come up with something like that. And very few people are going to appreciate it. Kiba will, wherever he may be.

Sasuke stubs out the cigarette on a tree trunk, fishes out a chewing gum from his pocket and heads to the main door. He walks fast, through the glass doors, sharp left, then straight and into the brightly lit changing room. He doesn't like these corridors when they're empty and darkness lingers in the corners. He remembers things that have happened here, sees people as clearly as if they were real. People might leave the school but the building remembers.

He sits on the light wooden bench and starts pulling off his shirt. Neji enters a few minutes later and they got to the hall together. From the corner of his eye he can see the shadowy figures of Kiba and Naruto out in the corridor, lifting a long bench up against the changing room door. He passes them by.  
Regardless of his absent-mindedness, he's still the best in the group that night, earning extra praise from the sensei. As usual.

***

The counsellor looks very young, Sasuke would guess about Itachi's age, but he's got to be older, at least 25. He's smiling that horribly encouraging smile that must be the first thing they teach in whatever school these people come from.  
"Hello, welcome. Please, sit down, wherever you feel comfortable."  
They settle on the green couches of the school nurse's office which are suddenly full of colourful pillows and goddamn stuffed animals. The room looks like a playschool. Naruto makes a half-assed attempt to start a pillow fight but Sasuke sits right next to him and confiscates the red pillow and the stuffed frog and tells him to shut up or else they'd never get home.

As Kiba's closest friends, at least according to the teachers' knowledge, Sasuke, Naruto, Choji, Neji and Shikamaru start the obligatory counselling round. Apparently no one's come forward apart from some random seventh grader girl who didn't even know Kiba, so the faculty decided to give them a little push.  
So they just sit there, quiet again. The only sound is the wrapper of Choji's Tupla-bar scratching against the back of the sofa, as he swings his hand in a slow, regular curve, like a depressed pendulum. Minutes pass, and the counsellor starts to get a little frustrated. He takes his glasses off, puts them back on, gets up, paces to and fro in front of them, sits back down.  
"Look. I can really help you. But you're going to have to talk." He sounds a bit panic-y, Sasuke notes with glee.  
"I need something to work with. Anything. I doesn't have to be about… him… it can be anything."  
"Uhm…" Naruto starts hesitantly. There we go. Even though he has no more things to say than the rest of them, Naruto just can't stay quiet. Sasuke can see Neji's mouth curve with a hint of a smile behind his hair, and Choji's chocolate bar has stops moving.  
"Yes?" The counsellor is pissing himself with excitement.  
"He… uhm. Kiba. He was my friend. And… uhm… all of us.. we really miss him. You know."  
"Yes, yes I know. I know it's hard, but you need to realise it was not your fault."  
"I know that." Naruto's voice is still quiet, but he sounds more assured.  
"I know it wasn't my fault. You know whose fault it was? Yours. It was the fault of every single adult who could've helped him and didn't. He died because he was dealing with adult problems when he was still a kid. We're all just kids. You have no idea what's going on, and you never will because you don't see us and you're asking the wrong questions."  
It's the counsellor's turn to be quiet now. Naruto takes a deep breath. He's searching for words again, using his hands where verbal communication fails. Sasuke feels his fingers on his shoulder, poking, tapping, then leaving for a bit and returning, enthusiastic and excited, continuing where his words left off. Frustration, stubbornness, pride. The counsellor doesn't understand the fingers, but Sasuke does.  
"Meaning we don't want to talk because there's nothing you can do," Sasuke translates. "Can we go now?"  
The counsellor sighs and writes something on his notes.  
"We really are just trying to help, you know. We're not your enemy," he tries one last time as they get up from the couch to leave.  
"Yeah. And we really don't need help," Sasuke says and closes the door after them.

***

"Let's skip PE. Pleeeeeeeeease, Sasuke, pleeeeeeeeeeease…"  
Sasuke sighs and rolls his eyes even though Naruto cannot see it over the phone.  
"You skip one more time you fail, remember?"  
Theatrical moaning. "I knooooooooow. But it's stupid dancing again and I hate dancing Sasukeeeeeee…"  
Sasuke unhooks the telephone set from the wall and drags it over to the bathroom by the cord.  
"Look. I don't think they'll make us dance. That would be just… morbid. Doing the fucking tango when our friend's just died." He squeezes toothpaste onto his toothbrush and starts brushing.  
"Don't think they won't. Gai might let us off but that Kurenai woman? She's insane. Shikamaru said she used to be an army commander."  
"Uah no'."  
"Was too! What are you doing?"  
"Buahhing mah heeh." Spit "Brushing my teeth. She was not in the army."  
"Her eyes are red! She's a fucking Satanist!"  
"They're mahogany. And you're coming to PE."  
"Goddamnit."  
"Bye, Naruto, see you in half an hour. Remember to eat some breakfast!"  
"Hahaha, shut up, mom….. Sasuke?"  
"Mmhm?"  
"Uhm.. Bye."  
"Bye."

Morbid or not, they dance. Gai somewhat regretfully informs them that the official school policy is to keep everything as normal as possible, and that they're now moving onto Jive. The gym hall is cold; the girls are shivering in their tiny tops and shorts but trying to put on a brave face. It's not that often they get to enjoy joined PE. Sadly, none of the boys are really paying attention, as some idiot has left the trampoline out and everyone knows it's trampolines over girls.

Sakura sighs and slides down on her knees, her back against the cold gray stone wall. She's sacrificed sexiness for comfort and is wearing a hoodie and track pants and congratulates herself on that wise decision. Unlike Ino, she is not forced to hop on spot hugging herself to avoid hypothermia. It's Naruto's turn on the trampoline, and his being is idiotic self. He's jumping higher than the others, doing somersaults and nearly misses the trampoline altogether when landing. Sakura can hear Sasuke call him an idiot before Gai claps his hands and commands them to form two straight lines, girls in one and boys in the other, from shortest to tallest. Sakura gets up follows Ino who is desperately tilting her chin to appear taller. Sakura snickers. Guess she was wrong calling the boys the immature ones.

After five minutes of everyone standing back to back with everyone else and arguing about who's taller Kurenai blows her whistle. "Alright! A line! A simple line is enough." She glares at Gai as if it's his fault the students are dumb. "Good. Now turn to face the other line! Whoever is in front of you is your partner, tall or short."

Sasuke acknowledges Tenten with a nod and she nods back. It could have been worse, much worse. Tenten is a decent, athletic girl with her own group of friends who are the kind of people Sasuke's mom wishes he'd associate with. At Kurenai's command Sasuke offers his left hand to Tenten.  
On their right Naruto and Sakura are thumb-wrestling. Tenten rolls her eyes.  
"Right!" Kurenai is standing next to Gai, holding his left hand in hers. "Boys, step back with your left foot, girls, back with your right, then bring your weight back on the front leg! Here we go, 1, 2.."  
Sakura is disappointed but it's still ok. Sasuke would've naturally been her first choice, but Naruto is fun, and his being such a bad dancer makes her feel like a good dancer. They're always facing the wrong direction and need to take longer steps to get behind the other couples before Kurenai notices them, and somehow Sakura is actually having fun.

"Ok, Choji, move your feet more. Shikamaru, you're supposed to be leading. You're a man aren't you? Keep your left hand up! Well, done, Sasuke and Tenten, very nice. And now, the shoulder turn." Kurenai goes back to Gai and grabs his hand again. "I wonder which one of them is the man," Tenten whispers and Sasuke agrees. Gai does look a little intimidated.  
"Ok! Right hand to right hand, as if you're just coming out from the spin. Boys, you turn the girl around, under your arm, the step under their arm and turn sideways to her, so that her arm is behind your neck."

It's easy enough. Tenten moves well, it's easy to guide her around, and they get compliments from Kurenai again. Naruto and Sakura are less lucky. "Aah you bitch, I'm blind!" "Yeah, and you can't dance. You're supposed to go under my arm not crash your face into it!" "I hate dancing!"

"Sakura, try not to bend your elbow so much," Tenten instructs. "It'll make it easier."  
"How can I not bend my elbow when he's twisting my wrist," Sakura huffs and Naruto sticks his tongue out at her. "You're just too tall." "You're too short, you midget. I can do the turn just fine."  
"You're the one who keeps stepping on my toes!"  
"Oh for god's sakes. Come here, Naruto. I'll show you. Once you get it, she'll get it." Naruto stares at Sasuke. "Me, dance with you?"  
Sasuke lifts his chin and curls his fingers as an invitation. "Scared? Come on, I'll teach you." "You're insane," Naruto laughs and lets go of Sakura's hand and takes Sasuke's instead.

"Ok. I'm turning around myself, all you need to do is pretend you sort of pushing me in the right direction. Not that hard." Sasuke steps to the side. He has to bend his head and back a lot to get under Naruto's arm. "See? Now, you step there, and sort of pull me back over there." Naruto is actually focusing, he's looking at his feet and their hands and it's not really dancing at all but at least his steps are right. "Now, your left hand on my left shoulder, and then we just pull apart…" Naruto's fingers brush his neck as his arms pulls away. "…and we're back where we began."  
Naruto finally looks up to Sasuke's eyes. "You make a better girl than she does," he smirks, and lets got of Sasuke's hand to escape an incoming slap from Sakura.  
"Could you teach me the waltz while were at it?" Naruto asks as Sasuke takes Tenten's hand again.  
"I could just skip all of these stupid dancing lessons."  
Sure, Sasuke thinks. "Hell no," is what comes out of his mouth.

***

On Thursday evening the plan is put into action. They've settled for three graffitis, all to be done simultaneously in the safe darkness of a weekday night when the streetlights are turned off at midnight. They've picked the spots so that they form a triangle on the town map. Choji and Shikamaru are doing the bus station, Neji and Gaara the mall, and Ino and Sakura are keeping watch on bicycles, scouting the village centre and reporting the movements of any cops they happen to see. Naruto and Sasuke get the most difficult one. Ichiraku's convenience store sits half way up a hill, south of the village centre, with its back to the slope. There are surveillance cameras at the front of the store, since "The Hill", as the neighbourhood is called, is not the nicest of areas, but not at the back, as the only way to get there is either through the shop, or up the crazy hill. Because of the fantastic location, the back wall is visible from virtually everywhere in the village.

There isn't a doubt in Sasuke's mind that Naruto planned it this way, his heroic conviction wouldn't let him settle for an easier place. Naruto slips his skateboard between the shoulder straps of his backpack and they start climbing towards the small gray building. The leaves should be bright red and yellow and orange by now, but the autumn's been so rainy they've given up and decided to stay slimy and black. And slippery. Sasuke and Naruto stumble, crawl and curse their way up the steep slope, rising high above the freeway leading to town. It's pitch black, but they ditch the torches as the slope gets more and more difficult.  
Sasuke can feel a trail of sweat somewhere around his spine by the time they reach the noise barrier. Four metres of smooth concrete is blocking their way.  
"Great. Now what?"  
Naruto answers with a manic grin and continues left, leaning against the dirty yellowish wall for balance. Sasuke sighs and follows.

With the help of two young fir trees and a taller birch they manage to get over the barrier and scramble on. Naruto's skate board gets stuck on twigs and tree trunks but he fights free and continues. When they finally reach the back of Ichiraku's they're muddy and sweating like pigs and Sasuke's gone from being annoyed to downright hating the whole idea.  
"God…. fucking… damnit…. Naruto…" He leans against the shop wall.  
"Relax… we made it!" As usual, Naruto's tiredness disappears as if magicked away. He digs the cans out of the bags and spreads the sketches on top of the rubbish bins, whistling something off-tune. Sasuke sighs and gets up. "Fine. Let's do this."

They work in silence, effectively and precisely. Naruto does a rough sketch of the composition, trying to occupy as much of the wide blank wall as possible. Sasuke follows his route with a more refined lining. The picture is huge, it's going to take them hours.  
"We need to get the top part done somehow," Naruto points out as he kneels on the ground and screws another nozzle on his can of black. "You're heavier, lift me up and I'll line it. The colouring's ok with but the lining... I need to get up there to get it done properly."

Baggy pants can be tricky when you're trying to get onto someone's shoulders, Sasuke can't tell where Naruto's knees are and then he nearly gets strangled and Naruto has to actually pull his pants up where they should be. Their first two attempts only get them as far as lying on the ground laughing. "Goddamnit, you have no sense of balance, you know that?" Sasuke complains as he gets up and tries to brush the dirt off his pants. Naruto lifts his hand to him, and he pulls the other boy up. "Ok," he says, once again up on his feet. "I'll be serious now. Let's go."

This time they manage to stay up right, and after Sasuke has shakily knelt down with Naruto sitting on his shoulders to get the damn spray can the idiot left on the ground, they get to work. Naruto is good, his hand moves with sharp precision and he seems to have memorised the design since there's no request to see the sketches. His denim-covered thigh is rough and warm against Sasuke's cheek. Naruto smells of street dust and cigarettes, and then there's that hint of sweetness, a bit like birch leaves and incense but not really those at all.  
And then it's done, Naruto drops down and the warmth is gone. Sasuke gets the yellow can out of his backpack and tosses the orange one to Naruto and they start to colour, and Sasuke makes a mental note -not for the first time- not to overthink things.

It looks fantastic. Bright yellow combined with crazy splashes of purple, green and orange seems to jump out of the boring wall. "MAD DOG Sky High" it screams over the sleeping village. They stand side by side just staring at it and Sasuke feels proud. It was a good idea, after all. Naruto takes his hand and Sasuke can hear a small gasp. He turns to Naruto to tell him something, anything, but the words die before they get out. Naruto is crying, his other hand is pressed so tight over his mouth that his dirty fingernails are digging into his cheeks, and his shoulders are shaking. His grip on Sasuke's fingers is crushingly hard now and his breathing behind his hand is erratic and wheezing. "Naruto?" As Sasuke turns around to face him the fingers leave his hand. Naruto takes a step back, shaking his head, and Sasuke has to grab his shoulders to keep him in place. He's never seen anyone cry like that, Naruto can't seem to breath at all, his mouth is twisted in a painful grimace. "Naruto.." At first Sasuke thinks Naruto didn't even hear him, but the he looks up at Sasuke, eyes wide open and full of fear. "He's fucking… fucking.." "I know.." "Dead! That goddamn mother fucker… Fuck…" He draws another desperate breath. "I… I can't… I.." The hand is about to rise back to cover the mouth and Naruto's back is bending like he's about to fall down on his knees. Sasuke grabs his wrists and forces him upright. And kisses him.

At first Narruto goes completely rigid, eyes wide open, inhaling into the kiss and trying to push Sasuke away. But slowly he relaxes, though the shaking doesn't stop.  
The kiss tastes mostly salty, full of snot and tears and it's not really a kiss at all. Sasuke feels a little awkward, trying to move his lips a little when Naruto's just… well, standing there, but it seems to be working so he doesn't stop. After a while Naruto's eyes close and the crying calms down to little sobs against Sasuke's mouth.

When they finally break away with a slightly disgusting wet smack Sasuke starts to panic a little. He started it, it's up to him to explain it away and he really doesn't know how to do that.  
Naruto looks at the ground, then to the left, then back down, and then up at him. His eyes are dark in the shadow of his overgrown hair. Dark and unreadable and Sasuke hopes and fears for a sign, anything, to know if he just fucked everything up completely  
Naruto wipes his mouth on his sleeve.  
"You," he points a shaky finger at Sasuke's face. "are one hell of a weirdo."  
But he's smiling.

It's five in the morning when they stumble back down the slope and make their way to the school yard to meet the others. They're quiet, but it's a surprisingly comfortable silence. Naruto seems thoughtful but not angry. Sasuke's having an inner debate with himself of whether he should say something or not, and it is not resolved until their friends are there and it's too late.  
Gaara's brother has provided them with some much needed alcohol, and they settle at their usual smoking place and try to relax. The experience has not been easy for any of them, Sasuke and Naruto learn that Gaara and Neji nearly got caught by Ibiki, the crazy local police man, and that it took a daring diversion from Ino to lead him away.  
"It was awesome," Sakura gushes. "She pushed a train of like five shopping carts down the hill from the parking lot, jumped on her bike and fled like whoom! Ibiki was sooooo mad!"  
"So, everyone finished their picture?" Naruto grabs a bottle Gin Long Drink. It opens with a sharp fizz.  
"Done," Choji says and Gaara nods.  
"Well, Ooa hela natten, then," Neji says and lifts the gray plastic bottle to his lips. They toast to Kiba. The atmosphere is strangely serious despite their joking, and everyone at some point falls silent and stares into the dark woods. Sasuke tries to fight off the shadowy figures again. It helps when Naruto squats down and grabs the back of Sasuke's knee to hold his balance. Real people, right here. No need to look further.

When all the drink is gone and they're hiding the evidence in the bushes further away, Naruto grabs Sasuke's arm. "Walk back with me?" Shit. What does that mean? Does he want to fight? Talk? …Continue? Argh. "Sure," Sasuke says aloud, managing to keep his voice level.  
"I want to go back down to the motorway to see our painting." Oh. Ok.

They wave their goodbyes and head back south. Sasuke won't be home before six in the morning and will be absolutely fucked tomorrow but he's feet follow Naruto and will hear no arguments.

The lamp posts on the motorway are taller than elsewhere, and some are aimed sideways to light the bridge crossing it. Sasuke has never noticed it before, but the last two lights on both sides of the bridge are even higher, off the street entirely. It might be an accident or it might be an artistic statement by whoever put the lights there, Sasuke doesn't know, but what's important is that the two beams of light meet directly at the back Ichiraku's.  
It's like their graffiti has a spotlight aimed right at it. It's quite far, but they can see it clearly, vibrant and striking, and there's no way anyone walking on the bridge or by the motorway could not notice it.

They stand side by side on the empty street and Sasuke realises Naruto knew about the lights. He must have, it can't have been a coincidence. The bastard actually planned something well, from beginning to end.  
Naruto's hand finds its way onto his hip, sliding halfway into his pocket, his thumb tracing the waistline of his boxers. Sasuke wants to ask him what is going on, wants to know if they're on the same page and what book that page is in in the first place. But he doesn't. Naruto doesn't seem to care, he looking at the painting, the faint yellow glow makes his hair and skin almost golden. His face is showing no emotions, like his hand and his head aren't part of the same person. "What are you doing?" Sasuke asks, his voice low. He doesn't really want to ask, this "If I don't think it's not really happening"-attitude seems like nice, easy strategy but he knows he'll go insane if he doesn't.  
"I don't know. Does it matter?" The hand is climbing up his back now and he can't suppress the shivers.  
"I think it matters a little."  
Naruto turns to face him and the hand slides onto Sasuke's waist. "Can't we just pretend to be drunk and irresponsible?" He's slowly rising onto his toes to get his face close to Sasuke's.

"Naruto, I wasn't joking." He's so close Sasuke is breathing his breath.

"Does it sound like I'm joking?"

"I don't know… are you?"

Naruto pulls back enough to look Sasuke in the eyes. "No. For fuck's sakes Sasuke, I am trying to kiss you. Can you shut up for two seconds?"  
Yeah… Sure…Mmhmm…  
Sasuke imagines Kiba sitting on his dark gray cloud, looking down at them. He can almost hear the horrified cry: "Eww fucking faggots stop desecrating my fucking tomb!" It's not your tomb, Kiba, but it might just be ours.

Friday morning Sasuke is scared of going to school. He hasn't been this scared since the first day ofseventh grade when Mom's last words to him were: "Keep up the wonderful woks your brother started, don't forget, the teachers all know him."  
Now it's more or less his own fault. The fact that he's so tired makes the paranoia worse, even the fact that he somehow miraculously did not get caught sneaking in at six thirty in the morning doesn't make him feel better. Naruto is such a mystery, Sasuke would've understood getting angry, joking about it, or just dismissing the whole thing, but Naruto just… acted like all that happened was on a different plane of existence or something. And the walk home… what the fuck was that?

He's late, it's five past nine when he enters the educational guidance classroom. Widely considered to be the most useless subject in their curriculum by the students, EG is still the best class to come late to. Tsunade, the teacher, or "guide", is relaxed and has a good, if a little odd, sense of humour. She nods to Sasuke, and tells the class to open their books on page 47.

The book is ridiculous, patronising, childish and illustrated with ugly cartoons. Sasuke flips past the Dealing with grief –section. Apparently the "keeping things as normal as possible"- policy is still on.  
"Right. We've covered this topic once a year, and now, we are doing it again. Sex and relationships! Can I get a yay?"  
Oh Jesus.  
Naruto snorts in front of him and turns to throw Neji's book onto Ino's desk.  
"Naruto, please. I really don't want to throw you out at nine am. Can't you wait till lunch?"  
"No."  
"Thank you. Now, you all know this, but I will tell you again. How do you know when you are ready." She seems to be as sick of the topic as the students are, and allows a lot more joking and fooling around as she usually would. Sasuke's half asleep, doesn't bother to fill in the question bits and doesn't really listen either. Untill, about ten minutes before the class is over, Tsunade gets into That One Part Sasuke Had Totally Forgotten Was There.  
"And sometimes, as we all know, people find themselves sexually attracted to other people of the same sex."  
Shit. Fuck shit fuck.  
Around Sasuke his classmates are snorting some more.  
"Commonly known as homosexuality."  
More snorting and giggling.  
"Female homosexuals are referred to as 'lesbians', and men usually just with term 'gay'.  
"Yeah, fags. With no bones in their wrists and weird scarfs and fake tan."  
"Jeez, Naruto, you know an awful lot about them."  
"Shut up, I'm not a faggot!" Naruto elbows Shikamaru in the temple, laughing.  
Tsunade breaks it up and firmly suggests they focus on their own books.  
Naruto's last words are ringing in Sasuke's ears. So, you aren't one. What does that make me?

For the rest of the day he tries to ignore Naruto, tries to make him notice how angry he is. It's a girly way to deal with things, normally he'd just hit Naruto in the face, but how do you start a fight over something that has to stay a secret? Maybe he should do it anyway, since Naruto just acts like nothing's wrong and actually punches Sasuke on the shoulder and tells him to cheer up.  
Sasuke is just sick of being confused all the fucking time.

_And those who know everything,  
They're like "That's Princess Ice.  
I bet she breathes frost,  
And she can survive anything."_


	2. Chapter 2

Characters not mine, unfortunately. song lyrics belong to the original creators (Nylon Beat, Apulanta, Maija Villkumaa) I jut translated them into English

***

"You know, you could just stay home tonight," his mother says, leaning against the hallway wall as Sasuke ties his shoe laces. "You need to sleep more." Sasuke is vaguely amused at her concern, especially since it's nine in the evening and she's just started cleaning their three bathrooms. Maybe he should be flattered she even knows he's going somewhere, usually a day before Itachi comes home she just… ignores him completely. "I'm fine. I have to go." "Sasuke…" She reaches out to him as he stands up. "Mom, quit it! I'm fine. Tomorrow's Saturday, I can sleep late. I'm going. Unless I'm grounded or something." Throwing a challenging look at his mother is easy as Sasuke is nearly 15 centimetres taller than her. She sighs. "No, you're not grounded." "Fine. Then I'll just go, and you can go back to scrubbing the tub for Boy Wonder." He grabs his jacket and backpack and steps out. The door slams a bit harder than he intended.

_And then you'd look at me  
And I could blush  
Oh, I've been thinking about you so much  
And then you'd ask for my number  
And could say yes  
And everything could be so perfect right now_

He does indeed have to go. First of all, where else would he go. Every one of his friends is there, and expects him to be there, he's poured dad's whisky into a coke bottle and replaced it with strong, tangy apple juice with meticulous precision, like every other Friday night. It's what he does; it's what they all do.  
Also, not going would be making the wrong statement. Showing fear. Naruto hasn't called, and Sasuke's thoughts are running in circles. If nothing else, at least tonight is a distraction, he can't be alone inside his head anymore. No, wait. His steps slow down as the thought unfolds in his mind. No distractions, not this time.  
He pulls his hood up to keep the wind from freezing his neck as he reaches the main street and the houses no longer protect him.  
He's not alone in this mess, it's not like Naruto wasn't there. Naruto has just as much explaining to do as Sasuke. Tonight he won't leave without some answers.

_But being a pleaser is pathetic  
So instead I say  
"Not just anyone's gonna have me"  
And so, you leave  
And the most important thing  
Is that no one sees my tears  
Because they might think  
That it means something_

That you mean something

The youth club is packed, and Naruto is, as usual, constantly surrounded people. Sasuke gets his share of sunlight, a pat on the shoulder and an invitation to join their card game that vaguely resembles Texas Hold'em, but he declines. Despite his anger he's forcing himself to stay calm. You can't prosecute anyone until you've organised your case. So he stays at the other table with Gaara, at least he isn't pressured to talk all the time with him. Every now and then he catches himself looking over to the poker table, lured by the sound of laughter, and for a second wishes he could just forget about the whole thing. Not just his anger, but the whole thing, erase the kiss and go sit next to his best friend and worry about normal things. But he can't, so he drinks his whisky and coke and watches Gaara's dirty fingers roll up a cigarette. After a while, ten, fifteen minutes, he's ready to swallow his pride and go over and pretend and maybe win a poker game but he doesn't.

_"I bet she breathes frost,  
And she can survive anything."_

Everyone gets a jolt of shock when Hinata shows up at the youth centre. Neji arrives first and gives them a nervous heads-up. She's been desperate to get out of the house and get her life back. And they should all just try and act like everything is normal. Neji and everyone else knows that's not possible, but they promise, and when she walks in, grayer and shyer than ever, they tell her how much they've missed her and that everything's getting better. She nods with a faint smile and grabs the bottle of Pepsi with added vodka Ino offers to her with two shaking hands like it's a long-awaited life ring.

No one really knows what to say to her, and possibly sensing that, she soon slides away into a corner, alone. Her friends are at a loss, they calm themselves and fill the awkward silence by talking about her in hushed voices.  
"Poor thing, she looks like shit, too."  
"After the funeral, we should take her shopping or something. You know, just try and cheer her up."  
"Shopping? Her fucking boyfriend died and you want to take her shopping?"  
"Jesus, Choji, shut up. She'll hear you."

Once again it's up to Naruto to clear the air. He's the first to walk up to her, and they sit together for a long while, talking in low voices. Hinata looks like she's on the verge of tears the whole time, but gradually her laughter gets louder and her rare smiles reach her eyes. Naruto's using his hands even more than usual, Hinata's shaking her head, laughing, and Naruto touches her on the shoulder.  
Sasuke is slowly getting used to his own feelings catching him off guard, but that doesn't make the rising jealousy any easier. He's trying to focus on Hinata's feelings, but combined with the alcohol and anger he's felt since EG, the rage takes over. Stupid Naruto. Always having to be everyone's best friend.

_As I lay my head on the pillow at night  
I see your face in my mind  
That face just drags me down, down_

Sakura is the only one who notices Sasuke leave. She's been watching him for so long she can tell he's angry. All rigid, stiff shoulders and jaw, walking fast, bent slightly forward, bumping into chairs that aren't really on his way. She thought being in the same group of friends would bring them closer together. In a way it has. They talk a lot more, Sasuke looks her in the eye more often and actually pays attention to her. But he's still a stranger. She knows nothing of him, not really.  
She turns back to Hinata's corner. She's smiling properly now, Naruto's laughing, his arm around her shoulders. Naruto. Crazy, childish, ADD, impossibly lovable Naruto.

Sakura can't help but wonder if Naruto knows how fucking lucky he is.

_Even angels cry  
so maybe it's ok if I  
poor boy, shed a few tears too  
Even princesses cry  
My only consolation now  
Is that someone, somewhere, shares my fate._

Sasuke doesn't know how long he's been standing outside when Naruto finally comes out and leans against the wall, next to him. It feels like it's been hours but he's only had time for two cigarettes so it can't have been longer than twenty minutes. Naruto's much more drunk than he is. The usually bright, curious eyes are half-closed, he's blinking slowly and smiling in a very different way, with less teeth and more hidden meanings. Sasuke is still irrationally angry at Naruto, but somehow this other Naruto slides through his defences like nothing. And then there's an arm on his shoulder and fingers in his neck and Sasuke needs to be much more drunk as well. He pulls away and empties his Long Drink with one long gulp. The bubbles make him cough and half of the stuff is in his lungs and Naruto is laughing at him.  
"Fuck off," he says, wiping his mouth. "Seriously, leave me alone."  
No effect. If the guys thick-headed sober he's ten times worse when he's drunk. Sasuke wants to yell at him, hurt him and make him beg for forgiveness but all the well-rehearsed insults have disappeared from his brain.  
Naruto leans closer and inhales the smoke Sasuke breathes out and makes a half-assed attempt to steal Sasuke's drink.  
Sasuke turns away from him.  
"I mean it. Just go play poker or something. I thought I wanted to talk to you but I really don't. Go away."  
"What's wrong with you?"  
"If you need to ask me that then you're a million times dumber than I thought you were."  
"Look, I don't want to fight with you. I've just spent the last hour or so telling Hinata how everything's going to be ok when it clearly isn't and I just really can't-"  
"Yeah, you are good at telling people things," Sasuke interrupts poisonously.  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
"Well, that is what you do, isn't it. You tell other people stupid jokes, show off and do your fucking routine. Then you tell me something completely different and I don't even know who you're lying to anymore, me, them, or just yourself!"  
Sasuke's throat hurts and his eyes are prickling again. After the sudden burst the anger dies and there's nothing keeping him together. He needs to get away.  
Naruto is just standing there, mouth slightly open, trying to make some sense of Sasuke's rant. Regret is slowly finding its way onto his face and Sasuke really just can't look at him anymore. He turns and runs, vaguely aware of a path between the trees. He runs until the tears in his throat cut his breath.

"Sasuke!" The voice is getting closer now but he's too exhausted to run anymore. He's behind the building now, he can hear the music again. All that running only to come back to the same spot.  
"Sasuke, fuck, stop!" A tap that's more like a punch to his shoulder spins him around. Naruto is gasping for air, there's twigs in his hair and dirt on his face and he doesn't look drunk anymore.  
"I am not lying to anyone. I don't lie!"  
Fucking fucker.

Sasuke hits him. It's not a good punch, he could break Naruto's face is he wanted to, but powerful and surprising enough to make the other boy stumble backwards. His lip is bleeding. "What. The. Fuck?" He spits on the ground. Now he's angry. Sasuke takes a step back but doesn't run away. He wants to fight with Naruto, clear the air, get to the bottom of everything. He's expecting a fist but gets a kick to his thigh. Naruto's not a good fighter, technically, but he's completely unpredictable, and Sasuke's fixed katas fail with him. And most importantly, Naruto's not afraid.  
Sasuke is doing fine until another kick to his stomach forces him on his knees. Naruto grabs his collar with bloody hands and pushes him down on his ass on the wet asphalt. Then he finally delivers one last, tired hit on Sasuke's jaw, and falls down on top of him. "God... fucking... damnit..." He rests his forehead against Sasuke's chest and all Sasuke can see is blonde hair. "Yeah." Sasuke leans back, lying down on the ground. And laughs. He lets the back of his head hit the hard ground, and the force of the laughter makes the stars in the sky tremble. Naruto looks up, completely bewildered. "Sasuke?" He straightens himself on top of Sasuke's body, straddling his hips and hands next to his head and stares down at his face. Sasuke can't stop laughing, not even long enough to explain. And how the hell would he explain anything, anyway? He has no idea what's going on. "Sasuke?" Naruto asks again, and then does what has been proven to be the only way for them to properly shut each other up, and kisses him.

_The world is so cold  
I want to run away  
Hide somewhere  
Warm arms around me  
And I wouldn't have to be alone anymore._

Sakura is nervous. Everything about tonight is weird, she feels guilty for Hinata; although Naruto did manage to cheer her up she's still… weird and ghost-like. She's also worried about Sasuke. Ino tells her to stop thinking about him, that Naruto must've found him and that they'd be back any minute now. Sakura tries to shake the uneasiness by drinking more, which in turn makes her nauseous. The sickly sweet cider gives her the hiccups and makes her dizzy. In the end she stumbles outside, desperate for some fresh air. She walks away from the thick cigarette smoke at the front door. The youth club is a little apart from the nearby pharmacist and supermarket, a small wooden house at the edge of a pine forest. Sakura rounds the corner and leans against the wall. She's cold in her small top, but she feels better.  
"Oww, fuck!" She turns her head towards the voice. It must be coming from the back yard. And it sounded like Naruto. What the hell is he doing?  
"Take it easy , you fucking cunt, my lip is fucking bleeding."  
"Well, you broke one of my ribs so I'd say were even." Sasuke's voice. Sakura sighs a relief. It's silly, but she really had been worrying about him. She reaches the next corner, is about to open her mouth and tell the boys off for being stupid... and stops. They're standing in the middle of the small back yard, dirty and wet and very close together. Naruto's lip is bleeding, but he's smiling up to Sasuke, whose face Sakura cannot see. Something in the way they stand makes her retreat back behind the corner. It takes her a while to realise that Naruto's hands are on Sasuke's waist. She blinks.

Ok. There's an explanation. They're drunk. They've been fighting. Clearly. Why the hell else would they be all muddy and beaten. There must also be an explanation for Sasuke's hand, now on Naruto's cheek, gently wiping the grime off. And... uhh.... there might even be an explanation for that kiss. A joke, something Naruto does to piss Sasuke off. But it's not. It's clearly mutual, Naruto starts turning his head away, teasing, and Sasuke's hand moves to his jaw, forcing his face up...  
She leaves. And after two steps, she throws up.

_And even if you need to lie,  
I'll believe it all, I don't mind  
This thing we have is a fairy tale anyway_

Naruto still tastes like blood, it seems like their kisses are always full of strange fluids that shouldn't really be there. Sasuke's hazy mind notes that blood is nicer than snot and that kissing is, indeed, also very nice. Then Naruto's mouth moves onto his neck and that is very nice as well.  
"I'm sorry," Naruto whispers. His low voice tickles the inside of Sasuke's ear and makes him feel all sorts of weird.  
"Don't…" Sasuke breaths, "don't say you're sorry when you don't know what you're sorry for."  
"I'm sorry for hurting you," Naruto's speaking into Sasuke's hair now. "Whatever I did that hurt you..." Light fingertips are playing with the short hairs on Sasuke's neck. "…I'm sorry."  
He kisses his way up Sasuke's neck and jawline, onto his lips.  
"I've lost so many people in my life… Damned if I let you get away as well."  
Naruto's grip on Sasuke's neck tightens and his slightly protruding canines crush Sasuke's top lip.  
Sasuke's never been kissed like that, hungry and desperate painful.  
His head is in a painful angle and he can't breathe because his nose is stuck against Naruto's cheek, but there's no turning away now.

Sakura makes it inside. She's still dizzy and gladly accepts a glass of water from Anko, the Youth Worker on duty. Anko seems suspicious about Sakura's brave promise to be alright, but allows her to stay. Anko's cool, she knows full well that it's not coke they're all drinking, but feels its safer to at least have the kids under one roof and under a watchful eye. Sakura smiles at the youth worker and pushes past her. She needs to find people, a seat, anything, and excuse, because Anko is going to want to talk to her and Sakura really can't talk right now. One question from Anko and she'd blurt out everything.

Somehow Sakura ends up sitting next to Hinata in the corner. She looks a little freaked out when Sakura stumbles over, but doesn't say anything. Sakura is grateful for that. She empties the glass of water in two long gulps. She's not dizzy anymore but her mind is still racing. She wants Sasuke to be embarrassed, wants him to be afraid. She has this power over him, she could tell, make him pay. Make him pay… For what. Sasuke's done nothing wrong, Sakura wants to punish him for nothing. She tries to fight the guilt, wants to enjoy the feeling of power. But once again she's a good girl against her will. At first she felt cheated, felt like she'd been lied to. But Sasuke's never promised her anything, never given her hope, false or real. The only one who's lied to Sakura is Sakura herself. Hinata's voice breaks her bubble of self-pity. She turns to the other girl.  
"What?"  
Hinata looks down.  
"I… I was just wondering. You're so quiet. Are you ok? And… uhh… If you want, you can have some." She points at her bottle. The corners of her mouth twitch, as if she doesn't know whether to smile or not. Sakura feels vaguely touched, Hinata has no reason to worry about her, and yet she does. And it feels genuine. She takes the bottle and smiles.  
"Thank you."  
Hinata smiles too.  
"I'm ok, just… have a lot on my mind." Sakura sips the offered drink tentatively; her head is still a mess. "And I don't think you should be worrying about me right now."  
Hinata nods. "I know… But it's easier to worry about others. Then I don't have to… think so much."  
"Is that why you came tonight? To get away from thinking?"  
She offers the bottle back to Hinata.  
"Yeah.. I guess. And because my mother won't leave me alone." Hinata chews on the nail of her index finger. "She's desperately trying to make me see what a good thing this was. For me. She never liked him… She said it was for the best. That at least this way I… at least I got away unscathed."  
Hinata swallows. "Look, Sakura... I know we haven't... that we aren't..." She's twisting her fingers and looking everywhere but into Sakura's eyes. "I haven't told anyone else, there's no one else to tell.... It's silly, really... I just... I know I worry too much and it wouldn't make any sense but still I... I..."  
"Hinata, calm down. I have no idea what you're talking about."  
Hinata's thin fingers twitch against the plastic table.  
"I…. I think… well not really, it's more like I'm just…" She closes her pale eyes and sighs.  
"I'm scared I might be pregnant."

Sakura doesn't say anything, and after a while Hinata continues, her eyes still closed. She tells Sakura how absurd it is, really, how they were always safe and how she kind of got her period but still. That something has changed inside her, and how scared she is. Her voice is quieter again, she's almost whispering. Sakura shivers. Whispers of a ghost's child.

Sakura thinks she should help but she really has no idea what to say. She's never even had a boyfriend. Kissing Sai at the Midsummer's party hardly makes her a qualified advisor. She looks at Hinata, really looks at her. She's not the prettiest girl school, her haircut is old fashioned and her eyes are too pale, especially now since they're permanently red-rimmed. She's quiet, short, and has a pear-shaped body. A normal girl, just like Sakura herself. At the same time she's light-years away. Despite her horrified sympathy, Sakura somehow feels jealous as well, that the little mouse has so much more experience than her. There's no logical explanation for it, and it makes Sakura frustrated and a little angry. She'd take anything, even the possible pregnancy and being scared shitless, over always being the one left behind.

At the same time, she remembers Ino's words from some time ago, when Sakura'd confessed to her that she had a crush on Sasuke. Ino had called it the Fangirl Syndrome. That Sakura wasn't ready to actually get down and dirty with a boy so she chose someone completely unattainable to moon over from afar. She'd never get anywhere with Sasuke and that was how she unconsciously wanted it all along, safe, innoncent, just her own hand with a different name. Sakura'd gotten angry and embarrassed and told Ino to stay away from her love life for ever. She smiles at the memory. Maybe she should've asked how Ino knew Sasuke to be unattainable instead. Sometimes the dumb blonde might be smarter than Sakura's ready to give her credit for.

_If the last bus goes, I'll walk with you  
All the way, where you need to go  
And you'll carry me when I can't walk no more_

"I hate this song," Hinata says to the cap of her bottle. "You know, he used to say I look like the Irish one in the band." She looks at Sakura. "I think he just fancied her better than me. I hate this band."  
"Me too." Sakura says with a smile. "Sex moves me, and a taxi brings me back, but it's cider that keeps me going," she continues in a nasal hum.  
Hinata giggles. "That is so true though! I cannot believe how very true that is."  
She sighs and wipes her eyes.

Close to their table Ino is dancing with Neji. They're doing the Jive again, the song is too slow and neither of them can really dance. But their eyes are closed and they're leaning closer together than they should. After a bit of stumbling and stepping on toes Neji lifts Ino off the ground and sways her in the air. Like a father dancing with his daughter.  
"I don't think that's how it's really done," Hinata points out shyly and Sakura agrees with a giggle.  
"Look, Hinata, I don't think you're pregnant. But you should go see a doctor, just in case. It'll calm you down. And if you want, I'll go with you."  
Pale eyes look up to her, still red-rimmed. Hinata nods.  
"Yes, please. Thank you, Sakura." And she turns in her chair and hugs her, tightly. They've never hugged before, never shared a moment like this. Sakura pats her on the back and wonders if Kiba ever knew how many lives were connected to his, how many people he'd change by leaving.

_Even princesses cry  
My only consolation now  
Is that someone, somewhere, shares my fate._

***

Ok! one more to go! next part will be rated M for seeeeeeeeeeeexX3

asdf: thank you, my first review:) uhm, I chose Kiba because he reminded me most of a person I used to know, whose death this story is vaguely based on. And I love Kiba and Naruto's friendship, they're so similar to each other. Hmm.. Sasuke and Naruto will get somewhere, but they need to angst and fight a lot more^^


	3. Chapter 3

And this is the last bit. It's a bit long, but I didn't want to cut it. And there's sex like I promised, but it awkward virgin sexXD

Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto and lyrics originally by Maija Vilkkumaa

***

Sakura wakes up with a head-ache. They used to be worse, when she was 13 and three ciders were enough to get her legless. She thought she'd die with the hangover. It might be her tolerance getting better or it might be that she's just gotten used to feeling like shit.  
She rolls over, stretching and reaches for the glass of water on her bedside table. The pink alarm clock next to the glass tells her it's half past eleven. The house is quiet; her parents must've gone out to the city for their weekly shopping trip. Sakura gets up, takes a painkiller and a long hot shower and organises herself a warm, soft nest of blankets and pillows on the living room couch. It's five past twelve when she's ready to make her two phone calls.

Hinata's been up for hours, and is in the middle of a huge window-cleaning operation with her mother. She sounds cheery and a little breathless.  
"Aren't you hung over at all?" Sakura moans.  
"Well, I didn't really drink that much... I shouldn't... you know... just in case..."  
"Oh. Right."  
They're quiet for a while, Sakura can hear Edith Piaf in the background, Hinata's mother's cleaning music.  
"I'll go Monday afternoon. I'll go to the city. Just... somewhere else, so no one'll recognise me. If they start about the health care districts I'll just... I don't know. Lie?"  
"Ok. That's good. I think it's ok."  
"I hope so."  
"If they try to send you back, we can just go to a private clinic. It can't be that expensive. At least they never tell anyone."  
"We?"  
"I said I'd come with you didn't I? Are you coming to school?"  
"Yeah."  
"Ok. We're off at... two, aren't we? Nine to two on Mondays. We'll go straight after Maths."  
"I'm starting at eleven but yeah, that sounds good."  
"Lucky you, we have Umino's art crap in the morning."  
"Mmhmm. Oh, sorry, Sakura, I've got to go. Mom needs me.... Sakura, thank you. Thank you so much."  
"It's fine, Hinata. It's ok."  
"Uhm… Can I call you later? When I'm done with the windows? If you don't have anything better to do…"  
"Sure! We could go see a movie or something!"  
"Yeah…. that'd be nice. Really nice."

Her next call will be harder. She's not sure what she's going to say, but wants to call anyway.  
The phone rings for a long time and when an answer finally comes, it's a male voice she doesn't recognise.  
"Hello?"  
"Uh... hello. Uhm, I'm a friend of Sasuke's... is he home?"  
"He's sleeping. Hold on, I'll go kick him up." He puts the phone down before Sakura can stop him.  
She can hear faint noises, steps, yelling. After a while the phone gets picked up again.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi, Sasuke, it's me. Sorry to wake you up, it was totally unnecessary and I was about to tell.."  
"My brother. He just wanted a reason. Not your fault."  
"Oh.. ok."  
She can hear clanging and a door slammed shut.  
"Ok, better." Sasuke yawns. "So. What's up? Something interesting happen last night?"  
Sakura hesitates. He sounds so normal, not like someone with a huge secret.  
"Well… I don't know."  
She breathes in heavily.  
"I wanted to ask you that, Sasuke. Are you ok? You… seemed a little… off last night."  
His silence is different now. She can almost hear his heart beat, panicking.  
"Sasuke?"  
"Uh… No. I mean, it's nothing. I'm… fine. It was just… a misunderstanding. Nothing, really."

And suddenly it's not important anymore. She doesn't need an explanation. He sounds terrified. Well, in a way it is a matter of life and death, she has that power. She could end his life quite easily.  
But she doesn't want to. She doesn't want him to be scared.  
"Ok," she says, "I'm glad to hear that. And you know… we don't talk a lot, but if you ever need to… well, talk. Then, uh… you can talk to me."  
He sighs. Deep, relieved.  
"Thank you, Sakura. I'll remember that."

She curses herself mentally as she puts the phone down. Why is she such a sucker for thank yous?

_If I was a little wiser or  
At least remotely stable  
Or my words made a bit more sense  
I'd walk with my head high  
Say what I mean, whatever and why  
And I'd be warm in your arms_

***

Sasuke's heart is about to jump out, right through his chest. He leans against the refrigerator, his head falls back and his knees give in and he slides onto the floor, still clutching the phone. It's never really sunk in for him before, what would really happen if people found out. It wasn't important; Sasuke's spent all his energy on worrying about Naruto and being mad at him, other people didn't exist. But they do. How the hell do you tell something like this to your friends? Your family? Sasuke shivers. How the hell could he ever tell his dad?  
"So, is she the artist?" Itachi has appeared next to him, and his voice startles Sasuke so bad he his head hits the fridge door again.  
"What?"  
Itachi bends down to give Sasuke a gentle slap below his right ear. "You neck, lil bro. Did she do it? The girl on the phone?"  
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.  
"No."  
"Oh, so there's more? Jeez, you're a little playboy in the making, aren't you."  
"Shut up." Sasuke pushes himself up and makes sure his elbow hits his brother in the arm when he dashes past him, out of the kitchen. He locks himself in the upstairs bathroom and takes off his shirt in front of the mirror.  
There are red marks all over his neck and shoulders, even on his stomach. How the hell did Naruto get there? Some are like light bruises and some sharp and dark, almost black. And there's a bright red circle of teeth marks where his neck meets his shoulder. He touches the mark lightly. Hmm. Naruto really needs braces. He's always thought love bites were just attention whoring, something girls like Ino wanted to show off to their friends. He never knew that acquiring them could feel so damn good. Oh, now he remembers the ones on his stomach. He remembers the wet tile wall against his back, Naruto had wanted to make sure his last kick hadn't hurt Sasuke. Like you could tell internal bleeding by looking at someone's stomach. Then there was Naruto's tongue travelling down his skin…  
He sighs. They'd said their good byes there, behind the youth centre and gone their separate ways. Sasuke hasn't heard from him since. Ok, it's only been half a day, but you'd expect…. what? He has no idea what to expect. He has no idea what's going on, how could he expect anything?  
He decides to take a cooling shower. Partially to calm his head and partially because he can still feel Naruto's mouth somewhere around his belly button.

_You're the one who  
Makes me tremble.  
I've been thinking about you so much  
And then you'd ask for my number  
And I could say yes  
And everything could be so perfect right now_

Sasuke is not looking forward to spending the evening at home, but it's dangerously starting to look like he has to. First Shikamaru calls him to say he's stuck at his grandparents' till the next day, Choji's gone to a restaurant with his family and finally Neji calls him complaining about migraine and finally asks if Sasuke knows why Sakura is suddenly best friends with Hinata. No one knows about Naruto. So it seems to be a rare Saturday night in for Sasuke. Itachi is chatting with their parents in the kitchen, mother smothering him with adoring questions and freshly baked oat meal biscuits. Sasuke smuggles ten cookies upstairs into his room in a napkin and curls up in his arm chair with his history book. Between his family and studying for an exam three weeks early… it isn't even a choice, really.  
Half past eleven Itachi bangs on Sasuke's door and wakes him up. Sasuke's neck is stiff and he's groggy and didn't really hear what his brother yelled. He's slept in the chair, head on the book, and for a long time apparently since the page he was sleeping on is 25. He gets up and shakes his head until his neck makes a delicious cracking sound.

"What?" Sasuke asks as he takes the last step down the stairs.  
"You still here?" his mother asks, "what did Naruto want?"  
"Naruto?"  
"Yeah. you did see him, right?"  
Sasuke doesn't bother answering as he hurries to the front door. Naruto is standing outside, wearing nothing over his green hoodie, and his jean legs wet up to his knees.  
"Jesus, how long have you been here?"  
Naruto just shrugs.  
"I'm sorry, I fell asleep and Itachi didn't tell me…" Sasuke knows painfully well how dumb he sounds.  
"I'ma sleep over, ok?" Naruto's voice is low and he sounds strangely childish.  
"What?" Sleep over. Sasuke mind is slowly connecting the dots. Does that mean… what? "What?" he says again.  
"Kakashi's over. He's nice enough but they're drinking and I don't want to be there. I just don't." Naruto's bright blue eyes stare stubbornly past Sasuke's face, and Sasuke's a little ashamed of his dirty thoughts.  
Naruto wipes his nose on his sleeve.  
"I used to stay with Kiba. But I… I don't want to go home."  
"You can stay."  
Naruto looks up at him. His eyes are so full of gratitude it makes Sasuke's chest hurt. He steps aside to let Naruto in. The blonde boy steps past him, but turns around and touches Sasuke lightly on the shoulder.  
"Thanks." Naruto smiles, and now there's definitely a hint of mischief there.

Sasuke's mother says nothing, probably because she's still distracted by his brother. Nothing else matter except _Itachi_'s laundry, _Itachi_'s food and _Itachi_'s exam results and how Professor Blah of the Department of Blahtology thinks _Itachi_'s the new fucking Easter Bunny. Sasuke is a tiny star that no one notices because the moon is so damn bright. Hogging all the sunlight and making everyone wax poetic. Ok, it's a good thing Naruto can stay and no one's calling his mom for confirmation or something retarded like that. But still. Sasuke lifts the phone receiver off and leaves it on the table as they pass it in the hall. There. Now _Itachi's_ stupid girl friend can't call him, and will think he hates her and then leave him. Ha.

"Whadya do that for?" Naruto is trying to lift one eye-brow but can't and just looks dumb. Sasuke smiles without wanting to. "Nevermind. Come on." He still walking in a dream, this is terra incognita, and he doesn't even know if he really wants to be there. The nagging feeling of possibly ruining everything, not only with Naruto but for himself, for ever, is constantly there. His mom follows soon after and sets a mattress on the floor for Naruto. Matching sheets and two blankets, and Naruto cheerily promises he won't be cold tonight. Sasuke thinks he's going to throw up.

His mother leaves the room and they're alone together. Very, very alone. Sasuke is still standing next to his bed, stiff and awkward. Naruto throws himself on Sasuke's bed and stretches luxuriously.  
"Mmmmmmmmmh… fuck I was so fucking cold out there… I shoulda called before, I know but it all just happened a bit fast and I fought with mom and bleaaargh." He picks on a hole in Sasuke's duvet.  
"I could've gone over to Gaara's maybe but ugh I hate it there. They're all so fucking weird and the whole house smells off fucking cat piss and…." He looks up at Sasuke. "Why are you just standing there?" Sasuke sits down on the edge of the bed. He's so nervous his stomach is turning. He needs to think… an excuse not to talk yet…  
"Uhm, wanna watch a movie?"  
Naruto stares at him.  
"A movie?"  
"Yeah."  
"Well, uhh, sure…"

They watch Jurassic Park. It's a dumb film and they've both seen it a million times but it's still fun. Sasuke keeps the bowl of pop corn between them and for those one and a half hours it's like they're just friends again. But when the helicopter finally soars over the green islands Naruto sneaks a hand behind the pop corn and tickles Sasuke's stomach.  
"Stop it!" Naruto doesn't stop.  
"Aegh, honestly. Stop it."  
"You didn't say the magic word," Naruto sings, imitating the character Dennis.  
"You're an idiot," Sasuke says, trying to push the hand away.  
"Maybe, but you like it."  
"Do not!"  
Naruto leans over the bowl and Sasuke is trapped between him and the headboard. The first kiss is innocent and short, but is quickly followed by others that are more demanding. Naruto moves his hand behind Sasuke's head to keep it from hitting the board and leans even closer. Sasuke decides that although being just friends with no problems and no secrets is nice, this is actually quite fine too. Everything is nice and fine up until there' a knock on the door. Naruto pulls back so fast the pop corn bowl ends up upside down in the process.  
"Sasuke?" his mother opens the door. "I just came to say good-" She stops. "What are you doing?"  
"Uhm… Sorry Mrs Uchiha, I messed up," Naruto explains as he picks pop corn from the duvet one by one. "I'll clean it all up, I swear."  
Sasuke notices his mother's discreet frown. She'll like Naruto even less after this.  
"Right. Well. Good night. Don't be noisy," she says and backs out of the door.  
"She hates me, doesn't she?" Naruto asks after her steps have retreated.  
Sasuke nods.  
"Ah, well. She'll learn to love me. Like you did."  
"We should go to sleep."  
"Awww you're no fun"

Sasuke leaves to brush his teeth and when he comes back the room is dark, only the streetlights through the curtains keeping it from being pitch black.  
"Are you asleep?"  
"No."  
And they're quiet again, until Naruto finally breaks the invisible wall once more.  
"Are we good?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Yesterday, everything… I can't read you, Sasuke. One minute you're hot and then cold the next, I don't know what you want from me. I know you need to talk about everything and give things names before they exist for you but you know this is pretty hard for me, too."

Sasuke has to admit he hasn't even thought it might be hard for Naruto. The other boy seems so carefree and cheerful all the time, Sasuke's been feeling like a martyr, the only one worried about anything. Sasuke stares into the darkness above him.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Pff don't be. You're a drama queen. I guess you were born that way, I can't blame you."  
"Oh fuck off." Sasuke throws a small stuffed cat in the direction of Naruto's laughter. He's relieved. They still haven't talked about anything, he knows he'll still be worried, tomorrow, maybe, but for now he's calm.  
"Come here." Naruto says, his voice firm and demanding.  
"I was going to... But they're still awake…"  
"Now." Naruto's voice doesn't give him a choice.  
"Ok."  
Naruto is lying on his back on top of the blanket. He's wearing nothing but checkered orange boxer shorts. He grins and lifts his hand to Sasuke.  
"Come on. I'm not gonna bite."  
"Hnh, you did yesterday."  
"Oh, did I?"  
"Yeah." Sasuke knows he's being played but doesn't care. He pulls off his shirt. "See?"  
"Wow, shit." Naruto sits up and wraps his arm loosely around Sasuke's leg. His fingers tickle the sensitive skin behind Sasuke's knee, and when the grip becomes more demanding, Sasuke doesn't resist. He ends up sitting on Naruto's lap, one leg on each side of the other boy's hips. Naruto traces the hickeys, pokes at the bite mark and then plants a little kiss between Sasuke's collar bones.  
"I'm not sorry."  
"I didn't think you would be."  
"I know I should think more. Think before I say… before I do things…" Naruto is speaking against Sasuke's chest. "But I don't."  
Sasuke sighs and scratches Naruto's head. "They're just hickeys." Naruto chuckles and looks up at Sasuke. "That's not what I meant, dumb ass."  
"I know."  
"Sasuke?"  
"What."  
"Kiss me."  
Sasuke does. He's still confused, still scared, but all that is pushed into the background. Naruto arches back onto the mattress and Sasuke leans down on top of him. The kisses are still a bit clumsy but the feeling is more intense than anything Sasuke's experienced before. There's so much skin, so many places he wants to touch and Naruto's heavy breathing and surprised moan when Sasuke's fingers find his nipple and Sasuke is very much aware of how there are things happening that he cannot control and then someone flushes the toilet and Sasuke damn near has a heart attack.  
"Wha…? Sas… ah… what?" Naruto opens his eyes as Sasuke pulls away from him.  
"They're awake… someone…"  
"Fucking hell, Sasuke…." Naruto is still panting, but somehow manages to sound calm, almost amused. He pokes Sasuke in the chest.  
"What do I have to do to keep your attention on me?" That is a fair question. Sasuke leans back down and as he settles against Naruto's body, the other boy lets out a happy sigh.  
"See? Better. No jumping around, hmm?" His fingers dance down Sasuke's spine and finally settle somewhere around his hip bones. It takes Sasuke a moment to realise the fingers are guiding his hips in a slow rocking motion against the body under him.  
"I mean it… Naruto… they're.. they…"  
Naruto chuckles. "The only thing making any noise here is your mouth." He sounds so smug and precocious Sasuke just has to shut him up. It doesn't really work, as he leans down to kiss Naruto he manages to slide his leg between Naruto's legs and that makes them both make all sorts of funny noises. Naruto's hand ends up on Sasuke's ass, and he's getting yanked forward again and again and who care's about family anyway… Sasuke's arms cannot hold him up anymore and he collapses on top of Naruto. They end up in a strange knot, legs intertwined. The friction is about to get unbearable, and even in its current hazy state Sasuke's mind realises that coming too early is bad because he wants this to continue. Yes. More is good. But more means it's over faster. The problem is almost too much for him to comprehend and before he gets any further, Naruto is the one to interrupt.  
"Sasuke…" he breathes and pulls at the waistline of Sasuke's shorts. "I want these off."  
Clothes off means more skin. More skin is good. But good means over faster. Confused. Oh, that feels good… Still confused…  
"Mmmhh…"  
"I'll take that as a yes." Sasuke is pushed onto his back and he can feel the final piece of fabric slide off and then he's completely naked. He keeps his eyes shut, he knows Naruto's sitting next to him, looking at him, and embarrassment might just be the only emotion strong enough to break the spell.  
Two hands slide down his sides.  
"You're beautiful."  
Sasuke opens his eyes. Naruto is indeed looking at him, but somehow it's not awkward at all. His blue eyes are unusually serene, almost serious, and there's something solemn about the way he bows down to give Sasuke a small kiss on the cheek. Sasuke shivers.  
"You too", he whispers and tugs at the annoying orange fabric. "I, too, am beautiful or I, too, need to be naked?" Naruto grins and strips his boxers off, then falls back into Sasuke's arms.  
"Better", he murmurs. Yes, much better…  
The calm mood doesn't last long. They're both hard and anxious to point of desperation, and every little move Naruto makes, sweaty skin against sweaty skin and rough pubic hair tickling Sasuke's hip bone, makes the crazy tingling in his head and groin stronger and stronger.  
"Jesus fuck…," Sasuke half-screams without meaning to.  
"Can I touch you?" Naruto whispers. Sasuke doesn't know if he answers aloud or not but the Naruto's fingers wrap around Sasuke's cock and squeeze just right. Sasuke's own fingers grip Naruto's shoulders a little too hard and they're panting into each other's mouths. Sasuke can taste blood again but he has no idea whose blood it is and what happened. It's all over fairly quickly, first Naruto's hand starts slipping and shaking and his breath in Sasuke's ear gets erratic and hitched. Sasuke barely manages to register the wetness on his stomach when something Naruto does tips him over the edge. His eyes fly open and he knows he's almost screaming but there's no way he can stop himself.

"Hee hee. You're not too quiet, are you? I thought we were supposed to be discreet."  
"Yeah, well, it's all your fault." Speaking is a little difficult, Sasuke still feels like he can't get his lungs full enough.  
"But I didn't bite you," Naruto points out and kisses Sasuke's knee.  
"Hmh."  
Another kiss on his upper thigh and then Naruto gets up. Sasuke cannot understand how he has the energy, he himself if too exhausted to move a finger. A crumpled tissue hits him in the head.  
"You might want to clean yourself up."  
"Mmmmh."  
Sasuke sits up and stretches his neck. Naruto's got his boxers back on and he's fishing something out of the pockets of his discarded jeans.  
"You can't smoke here! Mom will kill me!"  
"The first after-sex cigarette in my life and you're denying that from me?" After-sex? "Was that sex?" Sasuke asks it out loud and instantly regrets doing so. Naruto stares at him for a long time, unlighted cigarette dangling from his mouth. "Well what was it then?" Sasuke shrugs. "I don't know. It's just… I know what sex is… and that… you know."  
"Don't tell me you wanted to try something weird involving the ass. 'Cos dude, that's gross."  
"Ah, forget it." Naruto turns around and leans out of the window. There's a click of the lighter and Sasuke can smell the smoke. He wraps Naruto's blanket around his shoulders and joins Naruto by the window.  
"Oh, Sasuke, you can't bring that here! It'll catch the smell and then your mom's gonna lose it again."  
"Shut up," Sasuke says and leans against Naruto's bare back. "You're freezing, too. Give me a cigarette."  
He gets a cigarette and a kiss and they watch the white smoke dissolve against the dark sky.  
"Which do you think would make you mom freak more, the cigarettes or me naked in your bed?"  
"Ha ha. You're sleeping on the floor."  
"Aww, now that's just cruel."

_And I pressed tight against you  
Like the Moon melting into the Sun  
And you whispered, that the world would be saved by the two of us.  
And if nothing else, I knew that at that moment I was in love  
When the day was young and so deliciously messed up._

***

Sasuke wakes up before he's even fallen properly asleep. Hazy bit of dreams mix with memories form last night in dizzying whirl and make his joints hurt and every position uncomfortable. Around eight o'clock he stops trying. Naruto is fast asleep on the mattress, hips, legs and head under the blanket but his tanned back bare. Like a small child, hiding his face and thinking no one can see him. "I can see you", Sasuke whispers, resting his chin on the edge of his bed.

Naruto so thin, Sasuke can see the bones on his back move under the smooth golden skin as he twitches in his sleep. His shoulder blades are so sharp they seem to be cutting him from the inside. Sasuke reaches out and presses his palm between them. Naruto's spine in hard under his hand, the vertebras fit the joints of his index finger like zipper. Burning hot against freezing cold.

He slides down from the bed onto the mattress, scooting closer. Naruto mumbles something incoherent and hides his face deeper under the corner of the blanket. It takes a little forcing, but Sasuke manages to get his hand past Naruto's bent knees onto his stomach.  
"Ehmshasgedahscold…"  
Sasuke pretends he can't understand. "What was that?"  
"Nnngah."  
"What?"  
"Ah for fucks sakes!" Naruto rolls over to face him, one eye still shut and pillow stripes crossing the whisker marks on his cheek, making it look like tartan.  
"Your. Hand. Cold." He sounds annoyed, but allows Sasuke to guide him onto his back, merely shifting to accommodate the elbows poking his ribs. It's a morning kiss, stuffy and tired and not particularly delicious. Sasuke keeps his mouth shut and pulls off before they get too into it. There's wanting to kiss someone more than anything and then there's… morning breath.

And then Naruto sits up, stretching and yawning, and Sasuke's arm falls back onto the mattress, limp. Naruto stretches thoroughly; he looks like a kitten with his blond hair all messed up.  
"So, what's for breakfast?" Without waiting for an answer he helps himself to Sasuke's last cookie, forgotten on the desk, and moves to study Sasuke's bookshelf.  
"Damn, I never noticed these before," he comments as he notices the trophy collection. Every medal Sasuke's ever got, starting from pre-school skiing competitions is there.  
"I knew you were an over-achiever but please." Naruto moves on to the books.  
"Fucking hell, have you read all of these?"  
Why is it so easy for him? Sasuke can't think of anything to say, and Naruto is blabbing away like nothing happened. Doesn't he think things have changed? Have they changed? Sasuke's mind hasn't even gotten to the "what now?" –part yet. Are they even friends anymore?  
"Do you think we're gay now?"  
That stops Naruto dead. "What?"  
"You and me. Gay. Homos. Faggots. I bet you know more, even nicer, terms."  
Naruto looks so hurt and lost Sasuke almost regrets saying anything.  
"I… uh…"  
"If you weren't one of us, what would you call us?"  
"Sasuke, I don't know! Fuck! I…" Naruto sits down on the floor and inhales deeply. "Look, this is what I meant last night. Why the hell do we need to call anything anything? Why can't things just be nice for a change when usually everything's just crap and you're like the only thing I can go to and I don't need to think and think and I can just be with you and everything's ok because I so fucking sick of everything just…fuck…"  
Sasuke goes over to him and forces him into a hug. Naruto isn't crying, but his shaking a little and his eyes are too wide. The guy is always so fucking happy there's bound to be something bubbling under.  
"I know. I'm sorry." Sasuke whispers. And he means it. He might still have to think and analyse, but maybe Naruto really isn't a superhero with all the answers, someone who never gets hurt. Naruto is squeezing Sasuke's arm almost convulsively, it really hurts, but Sasuke doesn't move. He doesn't move for a long time, not until Naruto's neck goes less stiff and his breathing is normal again.  
They don't move, but Naruto turns around and presses tighter against Sasuke.  
"You don't have to do any of that. I don't even know why I care. I'm just…. I don't know."  
"We don't have to tell anybody, ever."  
"No. If you don't want to, we don't have to," Sasuke says. Who cares what everyone else thinks, if they want to have a secret, they can have a secret. Forever.  
"Idiots," Naruto whispers.  
"What?"  
"That's what I'd call us if I wasn't one of us."  
Sasuke laughs into Naruto's messy hair.  
"Me too."

Naruto leaves at around seven in the evening. It's already dark, and they risk a final kiss in the corner of the porch, hidden from the windows.  
"Try not to worry too much," Naruto whispers as they pull apart.  
"I won't"  
"Yeah, you will. But you shouldn't."  
"Maybe we both should."  
Naruto kisses him on the nose. "Don't start again. It felt good, right? What's wrong about that? That's all that matters."  
Sasuke shrugs.  
"You are such a drama queen," Naruto says affectionately. He jumps over the railing.  
"See you tomorrow." He waves a cheery goodbye and disappears behind the snowy hedge surrounding the yard. Sasuke stays on the porch, breathing the cooling air. It smells like winter, icy and lonely, but with a hint of a lit fireplace and ginger bread. He keeps last night out of his thoughts by force, that contemplation will require some alcohol and nicotine and above all, solitude. The kitchen window casts a yellow square on the dark planks, just next to where Sasuke is standing.

After a while Itachi comes out. He approaches Sasuke slowly, carefully, like a stranger's dog. That's almost what they are these days, strangers.  
"I heard about the suicide", Itachi mumbles, lighting a cigarette. He's gotten more confident, Sasuke didn't think he'd ever tell mum and dad about his smoking but apparently being a university student balances out small imperfections like that. Sasuke carefully breathes in the smoke. It doesn't relax him, only gets him craving for more.  
"Are you ok? The kid… he was a friend of yours, wasn't he?"  
Sasuke nearly laughs out loud. His brother, Itachi the Great, worrying about a tiny little earth worm like Sasuke?  
"Yeah. I guess he was."  
"Dumb thing to do." Itachi looks at Sasuke. They used to look similar, when they were young, but Itachi grew up to look more like their father and Sasuke… didn't. But their eyes are exactly the same, it's like staring at his reflection in the mirror.  
"Whatever shit might happen, you know there are other, more sensible things to do."  
Sasuke snorts. "Like what? Talking to Mom and Dad?"  
"Like getting even."  
"I thought revenge was childish and non-productive and never the answer."  
"No, it's a very adult thing to do. Not very mature, but then again, not many adults are very mature."  
A roar of an engine from down the road interrupts their strange conversation. They watch a slightly battered, grayish Nissan Sunny turn onto their yard with a curve far too wide. The front of the car hits the rose bush.  
"Your bitch can't drive."  
"No, she really can't. But she makes up for it other areas." Itachi steps down and walks over to the unfortunate car, signalling his girlfriend to turn right and back up. She does back up, all the way to the fir tree on the other side of their yard. Sasuke actually laughs at that. She stops the car, waving her hands in the air, and gets out. She's laughing too, as she scrambles out, fighting the snowy branches away from her nylon-clad thighs.

They look so normal. Itachi's never been the picket-fence type, but somehow it now seems he could be. Maybe it's the fact that he's actually smiling right now. Sasuke wonders what he himself'll be like at 21. Will what he and Naruto have be just a phase like it said in the EG book, will they separate at the junction and close the case and live normally ever after? What if Naruto grows out of it and Sasuke doesn't? What if Sasuke's going be gay forever and has to look for a real boyfriend and introduce him to his parents and..  
"Hey cutie", Karin ruffles his hair. "So deep in 's up?" Her hand is wet and cold from the snow.  
"Nothing."  
"Nothing except puberty," Itachi concludes and pulls Karin away. "Let's go inside, I'm freezing."  
"You forgot your cigarettes, asshole," Sasuke yells after him.  
"No, I didn't." And Itachi closes the door.  
Sasuke opens the abandoned pack of Marlboro Lights. There's one left, and a small note rolled up next to it. _It's a stupid habit, kick it while you can._ Sasuke smiles.

That evening Sasuke has dinner with the entire family, not alone in his room. Karin gets the third degree from their mother, Mikoto clearly thinks she's nowhere near good enough for her Special Boy but Karin doesn't seem to care. Sasuke's never seen anyone match up to mom quite like she does.  
"So," Mikoto sighs as she gathers the dishes away. "You're leaving together tomorrow?"  
"Oh yes," Karin chirps, licking her spoon. "Ita can drive my car back, I hate driving, really. Neither of us has lectures tomorrow so we can just go whenever."  
"Karin's staying here for the night," Itachi says with bored nonchalance, but Sasuke knows he's very much enjoying their mother's distress.  
"Oh, really? Well. That's great. Isn't it just great, Fugaku?" She throws the cutlery on top of the plates with a little two much strength.  
Their father grunts.  
Sasuke catches Karin's eye over the table. She winks.  
He winks back.

***

It's another Monday morning, the desks in the familiar circle that's not really a circle. It's only been a week, but it feels more like a year. "With the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day", as Jiraiya, their confirmation camp pastor from the summer of two years ago, said when he banned Naruto and Kiba from going swimming and made them wipe tables for three hours after they nearly set the sauna on fire.  
Sasuke remembers Naruto's face in the camp centre window as he walked towards the beach with the other kids. Angry and defiant and not sorry at all.

He was wrong. Naruto is nothing like Kiba. Naruto is tough, sticky tough like black salmiakki, hiding between Sasuke's teeth and spicing all his other food with the strange salty taste. The harder life would chew on him, the tougher he'd get. He would never, ever, give up, and might just manage to keep Sasuke from giving up as well.

The door opens behind his back. Every pen, every brush in the class stops moving, a few mouths actually drop open. Sasuke turns around. The person at the door is Sakura, and yet it's not her at all. "Holy shit…" Sasuke can hear Naruto's faint whisper. Sakura has cut her long strawberry blonde hair and dyed it eye-achingly bright pink. Her heavy fringe is gone, pushed up with sparkly clips into a messy tuft. Head held high, she's savouring their reaction before slowly starting towards her seat.  
"Sa…Sakura?" Umino's half-standing, more unsurely hovering over his desk. "What on earth happened to you?"

Sakura stops at the far end of the circle, directly facing the teacher. She strikes a ridiculous pose vaguely resembling a model at the end of the runway, and flicks her barely-there hair.  
"Art therapy, Teach", she says. "Art therapy."

The class erupts in applauds. Lee scares the hell out of everyone with a sharp, loud wolf whistle, and Naruto lifts his desk up and lets it fall back down with a huge bang. His marker and papers are flying everywhere and he's laughing. Sasuke laughs too, and despite feeling ridiculous, lifts his blue marker up in the air in a salute.  
"To art therapy!"  
Pencil cases, crumpled papers, crayons and cups of dirty water join his marker.  
"To art therapy!" They yell together. Umino is once again lost in a zoo, but to their amazement and delight he slowly lifts his bunch of keys. "To art therapy."  
Their memories, their sadness, their exhilaration. Sasuke's chest hurts, hurts as if every single emotion he's going to need for the rest of his life is suddenly born within him, stretching and screaming like an alien baby. He might grow up, he might get an apartment and a black cat and job as a cashier or as an astronaut. But this moment will stay with him, a new basis for everything that follows.  
One small week at the beginning of one small November. His death and his rebirth and Naruto's smiling eyes.

***

"Good evening, I am Kotetsu Hagane and this is Village Voice on Radio95. There is growing debate going on about the recent increase in illegal graffiti paintings in the village centre. The mayor expressed his anguish over the matter in the Morning Times yesterday, swearing to eradicate the vandalism and help the owners of businesses that have been affected. The municipal council is backing him up, but not unanimously. Especially when it comes to the possible solution, there is much debate. Since the talks are still on-going, none of the representatives would agree to an interview. So instead, we asked Deidara Iwa, a local sculptor who has just been commissioned to design a fountain for the main hall of the new library, what he thinks of the issue. Mr. Iwa?

"You know, the whole thing's just retarded. Yeah, retarded. People are going on and on about crime and vandalism and preventive actions and are totally missing the point. This is about ART, yeah! There are young people in this village with a message; they're sharing their lives, thoughts and ideas with the rest of our dry standing society. Every teacher, every parent is worried sick about losing the kids to all the bad shit in the world, and here they are, throwing their opinions in our faces and we want to silence them, paint white over them! These paintings aren't just tags or mess, they're EXPLOSIONS! A moment in a young person's life shared with those who had forgotten what it's like to be young. BANG! Right in the brain! If we embraced it, we might all learn a thing or two."

Interesting view, Mr. Iwa… but… aren't you afraid expressing sympathy towards the painters might jeopardise your deal with the library?

"Oh… uhm… hmm…"

"That guy is off his rocker." Karin nods towards the car radio. "Well done ruining any chance of intelligent conversation over the matter and blowing the whole thing completely out of proportion."  
"Come on, he's an artist. They're supposed to be off their rocker. Right, Miss Art History Major?"  
Karin sticks her tongue out at her boyfriend.  
"You just focus on steering or we'll be off this road."  
"Oh look who's talking. You know, mom was really upset, you killed her favourite tree."  
"Her own fault for planting it in the wrong place."  
"Of course."

Karin leans over the gear stick to kiss Itachi on the cheek as they pass the sign pointing to the city centre. The first pioneers among the shop keepers have put Christmas lights in the windows, and the snow is doing its best hiding the ugly darkness of the winter. A tiny little country far North huddles closer together to fight the long cold, once again.

***

Stormyclouds: thank you3 sorry to say this was the last update for the main story, I have side stories and a planned sequel though^^


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